Parenting - what works and what doesn't

Every child is different, so is every parent. Virginia Satir said that in a healthy family every person, adult or child, has the right to their own feelings, their own beliefs, their own goals, their own dreams, their own weaknesses, etc. You cannot do things their way, just as you will find they can't do things your way. The less you try to mold them to what you feel will work for them, the more you will see them blossom into their own unique selves. You will find more helpful healthy family information in her book Satir Step by Step - A Guide to Creating Change in Families.

This is incredibly tough for many parents who feel that they know what's best for their child. They often feel that if their children would just do what their parent knows is best for them,that all will be well. What's missing in this senario is that your child never gets to find out their own way, and learn to trust themselves. These parent feel that they know what clothes their kids should wear, what classes they should choose, even what career they should have.

My father was a depression child. He felt that studying business was the only way to go to be independent and secure. He felt that my choice of psychology courses were "popcorn courses" and had no validity. He choice for me was to get an MBA and work in the business world. I would have been SO unhappy if I followed his choice for me, rather than my choice for myself, but it took fights, struggles and getting ridicule from him as I tried to follow the path that I felt was right for me.

A parent's message to their child in this type of circumstance says that "my way is right for you, your way is wrong". It's hard and insecure enough growing up without that. And how do you learn to trust yourself if you can't live your own choices. This senario sets up with kids feeling controlled and parents not feeling respected. A helpful book on communication with your kids is: How to listen so your children will talk, and talk so your children will listen.

This said, however, parents have to keep their children safe. The fights you'll pick with your child, hopefully, will have their safety a top concern. My belief is that parents need to help kids understand why they're choosing their choices, and to process what are the results of their choices. That way you're helping them ask themselves key questions to figure out what works and what doesn't. They will probably only be able to do this with you if they don't fear judgment or ridicule.

When your "children" are grown, and no longer need a "parent", they will, hopefully, still want a relationship with you. Not to be told how to do things, but to share their lives with you.

Boundaries with everyone, including yourself

The ability to set boundaries comes from learning about yourself, learning to trust yourself and learning to be yourself out in the world. You learn that it's okay to feels what you feel, okay to ask for what you need, okay to want what you want, etc. All this self awareness goes with an awareness of the right of others to honor themselves as well. Thus is the challenge of learning healthy boundaries in relationship with others. It's doable though and makes relationships with few power struggles and conflicts.

Self Care Involves Setting Boundaries

(The following is an excerpt from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie)

Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us. We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it's not that bad; we shouldn't be so demanding; it'll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn't annoy us; the other person didn't really mean it; it doesn't hurt; maybe it's just us. We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain - our right to feel it and do something about it. Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we become furious and refuse to tolerate any more.

We can learn to develop healthy tolerance. We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people. We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves. We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action. We aren't crazy. Some behaviors really do bug us. Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive. We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set. Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.

We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary. We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people. We can establish our rights to have these limits. We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings; we can give ourselves room to have our feelings - as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships. Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.

God, help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for others and myself.

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go. Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Balance - in your day and in your life

I have a handout by an anonymous author. It's a helpful guideline that I like to use that contains seven easy tips, which are:

Do something for yourself

Do something for someone else

Do something you want to do

Do something you don't want to do

Do something mental

Do something physical

Say a prayer of gratitude

Balance can be a trickier concept that it sounds. You may be a very giving person who does lots for others, but doesn't do enough for yourself to have a satisfactory life. An example of that might be that you have been giving lots of time to help your struggling sister care for her kids, but can't find enough time for you to take a walk, see a movie or do something for you.

I use an example of a battery for monitoring your inner "charge".

We need to keep our monitoring needle on neutral. When you're giving to others, but not giving to yourself, your needle starts going into the yellow zone, and if we still don't give ourselves what we need, our needle goes into the red zone. You are really depleted then, and can't really help anyone including yourself.

The answer to recharging your battery is to identify at least five things that charge your battery. Your list will, of course, be different from mine. Mine include hanging out with my loved ones, gardening, a long bath, chatting with friends and walking. When I need to charge my battery, I need to discipline myself to do those things I've identified till I'm recharged.

Then I can give to others again.

Or you may be a person who pays alot of attention to your own needs, but doesn't find ways to give to others. Your life might be pretty together, but you aren't helping anyone else. Either way is out of balance - Find your balance and you will be a happier person.

Communication - tips to hear and be heard

In effective communication, hearing is less about listening with your ears and much more about listening with your brain and your senses.

When you're listening, focus less on formulating your response, and waiting for the other person to pause for breath so you can jump in . . . . instead focus on what the other person is saying. In active listening you will repeat back to your partner what you heard, to make sure you got it right. If you didn't get it right, the other person can correct what was wrong so that you truly hear where whey are coming from.

Hearing is not the same as agreeing. You can hear where the person is, and they can be in a very different place on this issue than you. You are accepting that the other person has a different opinion than you do, or different feelings.

Hearing is not the same as fixing. Just because you have heard the other person's problem or issue, doesn't mean you are invited to try to fix it.

Hearing doesn't mean that you are invited to give advice. Often the person doesn't want your advice they just want you to hear how they feel. If they only want you to listen and not offer advice, ask them to say so up front so you know.

In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Steven Covey said the first habit in effective relationships is "seeking to understand rather than seeking to be understood". Your work is to try to understand what the person is trying to communicate to you.

There are two levels of communication - the fact level and the process level. The facts are usually pretty benign, you may disagree but strong feelings don't come up. When feelings get stronger, you are getting into the process level. Here's how that happens for me: I'm just chatting along, and we're discussing a topic, all of a sudden I get a surge of tension when someone says something I may strongly disagree with, or find insulting, or find dismissive, or something that brings up a deep feeling. If I can communicate my feelings that came up, I know I've moved to the process level, because I'm processing feelings instead of sticking with the facts. At that point, if you can own the feeling and check it out, you're really communicating effectively. If you don't stop and own your feeling, you might just get in a fight about the facts, when there might not even be disagreement there. Use the communication formula of: I feel, I need,

ie I feel told what I should and shouldn't feel, and I need for you to acknowledge my right to have my own feelings even if you disagree with them.

When you do communicate on the process level:

- Listen respectfully
- Make it safe for someone to communicate honestly with you
- Keep your responses reasonable; no shouting or blaming
- Don't interrupt
- Don't judge someone else's feelings
- Check that you got it before responding

It feels SO good to be heard. Give that as a gift, and appreciate it when you receive the gift from others.

Also, remember to practice gratitude for the people and things in your life that are lessons and gifts.

Trusting others - can I?

Trust is something we all deal with in our relationships. While there are many ways to approach the topic, my core beliefs are best illustrated by an example.

In the summer of 2005, I was leading groups for an intensive outpatient program at Holly Hill Hospital in Raleigh, North Carolina. During one of our sessions, an intensive, attractive woman came into the group and asked me to teach her how to trust men. I responded that I didn't want to teach her to trust men, as all men aren't trustworthy - neither are all women. I told her I wanted to teach her how to trust a person.

A paradigm that I like to use is of concentric circles. Everyone you meet starts on the outer circle, and over time, has the opportunity to earn their way into the center. In the center is the space for those who have earned your trust. No one else is there because they haven't earned your trust.

My dad believed that you were supposed to trust everyone until they hurt you, needless to say, he was hurt often.

People can earn your trust, though. They say they will do something, and do it. They have put a brick of trust on the foundation of the relationship. You can move them a circle closer to the center. They say they will keep a secret, and keep it. They have laid another brick, and can move a circle closer again. One large deal breaker can knock off all the bricks, and bump them back out to the outermost circle, so be careful.


Even once you have built a solid foundation, though, you have to keep it strong.

That said, the most important person to trust is yourself. You are the one who “has your own back,” really. You are the one you live with every day. You have to learn to keep promises to yourself. The alternative is to be angry at yourself a lot, but that's no fun, and doesn't help you move forward. You don't have to be perfect, just make the effort. Remember to be kind to yourself in your efforts.

It's important to always express gratitude for those people and things in your life that are gifts and lessons.

Self esteem and self trust/building them up over life

I believe that self esteem is the same as self respect. Esteem is the regard in which one is held.

Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
If you do, you respect yourself. If you don't, why not?

Self respect can be for characteristics that define you, are you honest? dependable? faithful?

It can be for what you do, are you hardworking? helpful?
Do you do what you say you will do?
Did you do what you said you did?
Do you face your fears?
Do you take on hard challenges? and hang in there till you succeed?

When you consistently live a life worthy of esteem, you will have self esteem. It's never too late to start, each day is a new beginning. Each interaction with integrity puts a brick on your foundation.

Sometimes we are aware of our shortcomings, but not as able to list our strengths. That's out of balance, we need to know both equally well.

Self trust is learned through trial and error. When you are steering your own life ship, down
the channel or to the rocks, it's your ship. When you examine the lessons and gifts in each
of your choices, you learn how to make choices that serve you. Those are often not the choices
someone else would choose for you. You have to figure out your own way. If you're doing things someone elses way, you're living their life, not yours. You may choose some of what's
suggested to you, not a problem, if you've examined them and determined they are right for you.

There are no perfect choices, each one has pros and cons.

Know the pros and cons well, because when you make the choice, it's the whole package you're choosing, not just the upside. Take the time to examine them carefully, and don't choose prematurely.

If you can't choose, it's usually because you need to gather more information. You'll make
the decision when you have enough information, and if you feel you're stuck, get individual work to figure it out.

It is YOUR reponsibility to take care of yourself, unless you're a child or majorly impaired.
You can learn the ways that work for you. It requires self examination. I recommend
journaling, not a diary, but a book of questions that you ask yourself and answer. Like:

What supports me getting where I need to go?
What's holding me back?
Who's helping?
Who's holding me back?

Each page is a question, and you can go back and add to your answers.
Answering the questions will bring up more questions that get new pages.
Self examination is key. You have your own answers in you, you need to find them.
If you have trouble, come in for help.

Peace of mind, and how to get it

This starts with identifying what you're not peaceful about. What are you anxious about? What are you depressed about? What thoughts keep you from getting to sleep, or back to sleep if you awaken in the night? What regrets do you have - that you can do something about? Where are you stuck - where are you trying to go? Are you satisfied with your relationships - no? what do you need to do about it/them?

That's a start.

Or at another level, do you give back? Do you live a life of purpose? Do you admire the person you are? Do you feel good about how you are perceived by others?

I had a patient one time who held up her hand with her fingers outstretched and said she felt like a sea anemone with loose ends all over the place. She pulled her fingers in and said she wanted to be like a smooth marble, with her "stuff" under control. We worked on identifying her stuff and helping her figure out how to get things under control. She worked on each thing till she was satisfied, and left therapy feeling in control of her life again. If you are at peace with your life, and I can help you get there, your mind will be at peace. Often the things keeping us up aren't the things and people we can control, but the people

and things we can't. Then your work is the work of letting go, and putting your energy and attention to the things you can change.

The Serenity Prayer
God Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.
here's the

Serenity Prayer for Relationships
God grant me the serenity
to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change the person I can,
and the wisdom to know that person is me.

And always focus on gratitude for the things and people in your life that are gifts.

Spirituality - Honoring that part of ourselves

(Click on picture to enlarge & see the spiritual symbols)

Gardening is one of my ways of honoring my spirituality. I'm amazed by flowers. I've added the spiritual symbols to do my very, very tiny bit towards religions being able to live together in peace.

My quest always is to help you find your way, even if it's no way at all. I ask you questions inviting your examination of your beliefs. I am not judgemental, your choices are about you, not about me.

It's hard to see all the spiritual symbols in my spiritual garden in this photo, but I have a Buddha, a Cross, a Star of David, the Muslim Crescent and a Peace Sign. My hope is that religions can exist in peace and mutual respect. There are many languages of spirituality. Even the bumper stickers on my car carry the same theme, my first is a sticker that says "God is too big to fit in one religion" and the other is "Coexist". I like to surround myself with the messages that bring me personal peace. This is my Buddha with some of my dahlias. When I look at the Buddha I am reminded to
keep my expectations in line and be in my present moments.

It's been of interest to me that of all the information that I've put on my website, the one piece that gets the most comment is "spiritual component, if desired". If we view ourselves as a whole we are body, mind, emotions and soul. It's, of course, the soul part that comprises our spirituality. There is a quiet place inside each of us where our spirituality resides. We can
access a deeper guidance in that place. Many reach it through meditation. Millions participate
in one of the organized religions, millions more seek out the beauty of nature, and hike on
a mountain, walk on a beach or enjoy some amazing flowers.


There is no perfect choice, and choosing not to choose is a viable choice as well. There are pros and cons to every choice, no matter how one sided it seems. Then to choose, and get the lessons
and gifts out of each choice, to fine tune your future choices based on what worked and what didn't. Sounds easy, doesn't it. Anything is easy once you know how, and this is something
I can teach. It's also about learning to trust yourself.

And always being grateful for the gifts in your life.

Philosophy and Overview

Welcome readers!

I'm going to be sharing my wisdom gleaned from years of therapy, where
I have taught and learned for thirty years. Feel free to post your thoughts and questions. This site, of course, is not meant to diagnose or treat anyone. My postings will share with you my philosophy of therapy and treatment overall. Even if you agree with all of my perceptions, it may be difficult for you to internalize this information and apply it to your own life. Individual therapy is where you can customize these beliefs into a system that works for you from your own background and experiences.

Many people seek peace of mind, being at peace with others and yourself, living the life you hoped and envisioned. The work of individual therapy helps identify those things holding you back from your vision, and the things that help you get where you want to go and live the life you want. There are certain mentally healthy attitudes and behaviors that you can learn, even if they weren't taught you, that apply to us all. I'll attempt to blog about the most important ones.

I have included a prayer that I have in my office. I believe we have to learn how to trust ourselves by learning from the choices and decisions we make. This prayer speaks to the gifts and lessons we need to be able to find in each of our choices. There are no perfect choices, just package choices. Each one has positives and negatives.

An Indian Prayer

We ask for strength

and you give us difficulties

which make us strong;

We ask for wisdom and

you send us problems,

the solutions of which

develop wisdom. We plead

for prosperity and you

give us brain and brawn

to work. We plead for

courage and you give

us dangers to overcome,

We ask for favors and

you give us opportunities;

therefore, Great Spirit,

we ask you to bless us

and assist us according

to thy will.

(author unknown)

And always being grateful for the gifts in your life.

Over the next several weeks, I will try to post one weekly and will start by posting blogs on the following topics:

Spirituality - honoring that part of ourselves
Peace of mind - how to get it
Self trust and self esteem - building them up over life
Trusting others - can I?
Communication - some tips to hear and be heard
Balance - in your day and in your life
Boundaries - with everyone including myself
Parenting - things that work and things that don't
Relationships - rules for healthy ones of all kinds
Wholeness - mind, body, emotions and soul

I will add categories and topics as I go along, and some will certainly be guided by your responses and questions.

www.hollyfitzgerald.com