Balance - in your day and in your life

I have a handout by an anonymous author. It's a helpful guideline that I like to use that contains seven easy tips, which are:

Do something for yourself

Do something for someone else

Do something you want to do

Do something you don't want to do

Do something mental

Do something physical

Say a prayer of gratitude

Balance can be a trickier concept that it sounds. You may be a very giving person who does lots for others, but doesn't do enough for yourself to have a satisfactory life. An example of that might be that you have been giving lots of time to help your struggling sister care for her kids, but can't find enough time for you to take a walk, see a movie or do something for you.

I use an example of a battery for monitoring your inner "charge".

We need to keep our monitoring needle on neutral. When you're giving to others, but not giving to yourself, your needle starts going into the yellow zone, and if we still don't give ourselves what we need, our needle goes into the red zone. You are really depleted then, and can't really help anyone including yourself.

The answer to recharging your battery is to identify at least five things that charge your battery. Your list will, of course, be different from mine. Mine include hanging out with my loved ones, gardening, a long bath, chatting with friends and walking. When I need to charge my battery, I need to discipline myself to do those things I've identified till I'm recharged.

Then I can give to others again.

Or you may be a person who pays alot of attention to your own needs, but doesn't find ways to give to others. Your life might be pretty together, but you aren't helping anyone else. Either way is out of balance - Find your balance and you will be a happier person.

Communication - tips to hear and be heard

In effective communication, hearing is less about listening with your ears and much more about listening with your brain and your senses.

When you're listening, focus less on formulating your response, and waiting for the other person to pause for breath so you can jump in . . . . instead focus on what the other person is saying. In active listening you will repeat back to your partner what you heard, to make sure you got it right. If you didn't get it right, the other person can correct what was wrong so that you truly hear where whey are coming from.

Hearing is not the same as agreeing. You can hear where the person is, and they can be in a very different place on this issue than you. You are accepting that the other person has a different opinion than you do, or different feelings.

Hearing is not the same as fixing. Just because you have heard the other person's problem or issue, doesn't mean you are invited to try to fix it.

Hearing doesn't mean that you are invited to give advice. Often the person doesn't want your advice they just want you to hear how they feel. If they only want you to listen and not offer advice, ask them to say so up front so you know.

In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Steven Covey said the first habit in effective relationships is "seeking to understand rather than seeking to be understood". Your work is to try to understand what the person is trying to communicate to you.

There are two levels of communication - the fact level and the process level. The facts are usually pretty benign, you may disagree but strong feelings don't come up. When feelings get stronger, you are getting into the process level. Here's how that happens for me: I'm just chatting along, and we're discussing a topic, all of a sudden I get a surge of tension when someone says something I may strongly disagree with, or find insulting, or find dismissive, or something that brings up a deep feeling. If I can communicate my feelings that came up, I know I've moved to the process level, because I'm processing feelings instead of sticking with the facts. At that point, if you can own the feeling and check it out, you're really communicating effectively. If you don't stop and own your feeling, you might just get in a fight about the facts, when there might not even be disagreement there. Use the communication formula of: I feel, I need,

ie I feel told what I should and shouldn't feel, and I need for you to acknowledge my right to have my own feelings even if you disagree with them.

When you do communicate on the process level:

- Listen respectfully
- Make it safe for someone to communicate honestly with you
- Keep your responses reasonable; no shouting or blaming
- Don't interrupt
- Don't judge someone else's feelings
- Check that you got it before responding

It feels SO good to be heard. Give that as a gift, and appreciate it when you receive the gift from others.

Also, remember to practice gratitude for the people and things in your life that are lessons and gifts.

Trusting others - can I?

Trust is something we all deal with in our relationships. While there are many ways to approach the topic, my core beliefs are best illustrated by an example.

In the summer of 2005, I was leading groups for an intensive outpatient program at Holly Hill Hospital in Raleigh, North Carolina. During one of our sessions, an intensive, attractive woman came into the group and asked me to teach her how to trust men. I responded that I didn't want to teach her to trust men, as all men aren't trustworthy - neither are all women. I told her I wanted to teach her how to trust a person.

A paradigm that I like to use is of concentric circles. Everyone you meet starts on the outer circle, and over time, has the opportunity to earn their way into the center. In the center is the space for those who have earned your trust. No one else is there because they haven't earned your trust.

My dad believed that you were supposed to trust everyone until they hurt you, needless to say, he was hurt often.

People can earn your trust, though. They say they will do something, and do it. They have put a brick of trust on the foundation of the relationship. You can move them a circle closer to the center. They say they will keep a secret, and keep it. They have laid another brick, and can move a circle closer again. One large deal breaker can knock off all the bricks, and bump them back out to the outermost circle, so be careful.


Even once you have built a solid foundation, though, you have to keep it strong.

That said, the most important person to trust is yourself. You are the one who “has your own back,” really. You are the one you live with every day. You have to learn to keep promises to yourself. The alternative is to be angry at yourself a lot, but that's no fun, and doesn't help you move forward. You don't have to be perfect, just make the effort. Remember to be kind to yourself in your efforts.

It's important to always express gratitude for those people and things in your life that are gifts and lessons.

Self esteem and self trust/building them up over life

I believe that self esteem is the same as self respect. Esteem is the regard in which one is held.

Do you hold yourself in high esteem?
If you do, you respect yourself. If you don't, why not?

Self respect can be for characteristics that define you, are you honest? dependable? faithful?

It can be for what you do, are you hardworking? helpful?
Do you do what you say you will do?
Did you do what you said you did?
Do you face your fears?
Do you take on hard challenges? and hang in there till you succeed?

When you consistently live a life worthy of esteem, you will have self esteem. It's never too late to start, each day is a new beginning. Each interaction with integrity puts a brick on your foundation.

Sometimes we are aware of our shortcomings, but not as able to list our strengths. That's out of balance, we need to know both equally well.

Self trust is learned through trial and error. When you are steering your own life ship, down
the channel or to the rocks, it's your ship. When you examine the lessons and gifts in each
of your choices, you learn how to make choices that serve you. Those are often not the choices
someone else would choose for you. You have to figure out your own way. If you're doing things someone elses way, you're living their life, not yours. You may choose some of what's
suggested to you, not a problem, if you've examined them and determined they are right for you.

There are no perfect choices, each one has pros and cons.

Know the pros and cons well, because when you make the choice, it's the whole package you're choosing, not just the upside. Take the time to examine them carefully, and don't choose prematurely.

If you can't choose, it's usually because you need to gather more information. You'll make
the decision when you have enough information, and if you feel you're stuck, get individual work to figure it out.

It is YOUR reponsibility to take care of yourself, unless you're a child or majorly impaired.
You can learn the ways that work for you. It requires self examination. I recommend
journaling, not a diary, but a book of questions that you ask yourself and answer. Like:

What supports me getting where I need to go?
What's holding me back?
Who's helping?
Who's holding me back?

Each page is a question, and you can go back and add to your answers.
Answering the questions will bring up more questions that get new pages.
Self examination is key. You have your own answers in you, you need to find them.
If you have trouble, come in for help.