Trusting others - can I?

Trust is something we all deal with in our relationships. While there are many ways to approach the topic, my core beliefs are best illustrated by an example.

In the summer of 2005, I was leading groups for an intensive outpatient program at Holly Hill Hospital in Raleigh, North Carolina. During one of our sessions, an intensive, attractive woman came into the group and asked me to teach her how to trust men. I responded that I didn't want to teach her to trust men, as all men aren't trustworthy - neither are all women. I told her I wanted to teach her how to trust a person.

A paradigm that I like to use is of concentric circles. Everyone you meet starts on the outer circle, and over time, has the opportunity to earn their way into the center. In the center is the space for those who have earned your trust. No one else is there because they haven't earned your trust.

My dad believed that you were supposed to trust everyone until they hurt you, needless to say, he was hurt often.

People can earn your trust, though. They say they will do something, and do it. They have put a brick of trust on the foundation of the relationship. You can move them a circle closer to the center. They say they will keep a secret, and keep it. They have laid another brick, and can move a circle closer again. One large deal breaker can knock off all the bricks, and bump them back out to the outermost circle, so be careful.


Even once you have built a solid foundation, though, you have to keep it strong.

That said, the most important person to trust is yourself. You are the one who “has your own back,” really. You are the one you live with every day. You have to learn to keep promises to yourself. The alternative is to be angry at yourself a lot, but that's no fun, and doesn't help you move forward. You don't have to be perfect, just make the effort. Remember to be kind to yourself in your efforts.

It's important to always express gratitude for those people and things in your life that are gifts and lessons.