Communication - tips to hear and be heard

In effective communication, hearing is less about listening with your ears and much more about listening with your brain and your senses.

When you're listening, focus less on formulating your response, and waiting for the other person to pause for breath so you can jump in . . . . instead focus on what the other person is saying. In active listening you will repeat back to your partner what you heard, to make sure you got it right. If you didn't get it right, the other person can correct what was wrong so that you truly hear where whey are coming from.

Hearing is not the same as agreeing. You can hear where the person is, and they can be in a very different place on this issue than you. You are accepting that the other person has a different opinion than you do, or different feelings.

Hearing is not the same as fixing. Just because you have heard the other person's problem or issue, doesn't mean you are invited to try to fix it.

Hearing doesn't mean that you are invited to give advice. Often the person doesn't want your advice they just want you to hear how they feel. If they only want you to listen and not offer advice, ask them to say so up front so you know.

In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Steven Covey said the first habit in effective relationships is "seeking to understand rather than seeking to be understood". Your work is to try to understand what the person is trying to communicate to you.

There are two levels of communication - the fact level and the process level. The facts are usually pretty benign, you may disagree but strong feelings don't come up. When feelings get stronger, you are getting into the process level. Here's how that happens for me: I'm just chatting along, and we're discussing a topic, all of a sudden I get a surge of tension when someone says something I may strongly disagree with, or find insulting, or find dismissive, or something that brings up a deep feeling. If I can communicate my feelings that came up, I know I've moved to the process level, because I'm processing feelings instead of sticking with the facts. At that point, if you can own the feeling and check it out, you're really communicating effectively. If you don't stop and own your feeling, you might just get in a fight about the facts, when there might not even be disagreement there. Use the communication formula of: I feel, I need,

ie I feel told what I should and shouldn't feel, and I need for you to acknowledge my right to have my own feelings even if you disagree with them.

When you do communicate on the process level:

- Listen respectfully
- Make it safe for someone to communicate honestly with you
- Keep your responses reasonable; no shouting or blaming
- Don't interrupt
- Don't judge someone else's feelings
- Check that you got it before responding

It feels SO good to be heard. Give that as a gift, and appreciate it when you receive the gift from others.

Also, remember to practice gratitude for the people and things in your life that are lessons and gifts.